We all need saving

I failed today.

Shane spit up all over himself while I was making dinner. It never ceases to make me cry when he does this. I feel guilty because it usually happens while I wasn't looking.

I found the craigslist ad for the job that I sent an email to the boss of the person who's job I really want and who wants me to have her job. I sent that email on Saturday, a day after the job listing was put up. I just found the listing today and sent in my resume again. Fail.

I feel like I have failed my husband and child because I am not what they think. I am just a person trying to do my best. I am not the "amazing" person that they trust. I just am. I wish that I could accept that idea: this is adequate. I am adequate. More honestly, I am made adequate by sacrifice of Jesus Christ. How does one come to accept that? Accept their self as good enough?

Our Little Shane

HE IS FINALLY HERE!!

Hannah woke up at around 3 am and told me she was having steady contractions and may need to go to the hospital. Instinctively  I jumped out of bed; ready to go right away. She assured me that he was not coming right away so I was able to take a quick shower and ran to the store to pick up a few things.

At this point, Hannah was just very uncomfortable when she had a contraction. They had been happening every 3-4 minutes and hurt enough that she was having trouble talking. When we got to the hospital (5 am) and had her checked she was dilated to a 3 and and was about 80% effaced. They were still unsure if she was in full labor so they monitored her for a few hours.

Around 8 am she was officially admitted. I tried my best to help her by walking with her through the halls and pressing on her lower back to help ease the pain. By this point her pain was pretty strong and it was very difficult for me to watch her in pain. Her contractions were a steady 2-3 mins apart by this point. However Shane's heart beat was pretty steady and not being affected by the contractions. Later we learned that is not really normal. It meant he wasn't low enough for the contractions to push him down to help him come out.

At 10 am the midwife came in and explained that we could either wait it out or go ahead and break Hannah's water and see if that would help him descend. We went ahead and broke her water and all hell broke lose. Side note: They found meconuim in the bag of water. Warning sign #1.

After only about 5-10 minutes she began to have very intense labor pains and began to scream in pain. I have never felt so much love and anguish at the same time. For most of the contractions I kept myself together pretty well watching my wife go through such pain. It wasn't until Hannah said through gritted teeth and tears "Ron, I love you" that I lost it. My eyes began to flow with tears of love for my wonderful wife and the struggles she was going through for our family. I couldn't believe that in the middle of such pain and anguish she would exclaim her love for me and not hate me.

As time went on Hannah became more and more, let's say, "Intense" with her word usage. Which is completely understandable. The nurses told us that on average women usually have about 1-2 minutes between contractions. That is what gives them the energy to make it through the next spike. Hannah, however, was having 1-2 minutes long contractions happening about every 20-30 seconds, giving her no time to recuperate. She was basically going 1 step forward then 3 steps back. She screamed for the pain to stop and they gave her fentanyl to numb the pain. It honestly did not seem to work very much, as she was still yelling obscenities. She tried moving around, getting in the bath, sat on a blow-up ball, and lots of yelling all in the effort to dull the pain. They did little good.

Much to my, and definitely her, satisfaction we finally gave in and got her an epidural at around 11 am. This was a difficult endeavor because she was forced to stay completely still and was still having very intense contractions. She was just a tad drugged up as this time and was pretty loopy; my favorite being while she was in the peak of a contraction she started mumbling/yelling the word "Water park". I asked "You want to go to a water park?" She looked straight at me with her eyes about to bulge out of her head and just said "Mmmhmm, Lets go".  One of my favorites, as was our nurses', was she tried yelling, "Oh, FuuuuuuuuDDDDGGEEE! This hurts!" I tried really hard not to laugh, and she said, "Don't laugh at me! I have to get this epidural in." I could see the nurses laughing too. (Hannah can now laugh about it, but it was pretty intense). It then became procedure to plan out next vacation every time she had a contraction after that. When the epidural finally kicked in she exclaimed how much she loved it..... about 20 times.... Within the first 5 minutes.

With the contractions manageable and having been up since 3 am I was finally able to relax. I no longer had to see her scream in pain and she was comfortable. I decided to take a short tap while I could before the baby came. I was awoken by a few nurses, the nurse-midwife, and Hannah all talking. They explained to me that while I was asleep the nurse-midwife had checked Hannah again and found that she was only at a 4-5 and that Shane's head was coming down at an angle. Warning sign #2. It had been ruffly 12 hours of consistent contractions and he was not progressing. She had actually started contractions at midnight, but didn't tell me until she woke up to super strong ones at 3. We also found out that Hannah had developed a 102 fever and they were concerned it would transfer to the baby. Warning sign #3. It was because of this that he eventually had to have an IV in his arm. We were both very scared and was unsure of what the future would hold. Hannah, being the beautiful spirit she is, asked to have a blessing, however, I was in no condition to give one. We called out home teacher and within about 5 mins they were there. Brother Reynolds gave Hannah a beautiful blessing that proved to calm her more then it did me. They also gave me a blessing of comfort. This is when we decided she needed to have a c-section in order to be safe for both her and Shane.

They prepared her and I to transferred her to the OR. While they were preparing her I was forced to wait in a room for them to come get me. After the hustle and bustle of getting ready I was all alone in a room with only my thoughts to keep me company. As any father or husband can attest, when something happens to your loved ones the only thoughts that run through your head are the most terrible outcomes you can think of.  I prayed to my Father at this time to please not take her or my baby's life. I was so scared that the only comfort I had was to pray to the one person who could make a difference. Looking back, I don't know if he answered my prayers or if he never intended to take them and just looked down at me saying "Oh Child, worry not" Either way all I could do was ask. So I did.

When they took me into the operating room Hannah was laying down with that blue curtain blocking what the doctors where doing to her stomach. I could have looked if I wanted to and see what exactly they were doing, but I knew I was already about to explode with emotion and did not need to that to give me more. I just sat down beside her and held her head and hands. Then it happened.

While we were looking into each others eyes we hear that distinct beautiful cry. Every parent knows exactly of what I am talking about. That cry that immediately tells you are are no longer just your own. You are a parent. He is presented to us and I look over to see my gorgeous child. Nothing can prepare you for that moment. The wait was over. Shane Dean Beck was here.

This is the journey of our first child. Or at least the end of the wait and the beginning of the life. After this point it was all downhill. We were blessed with no more complications and Hannah is recovering fast. We are now home and enjoying our new life. To finish up, here are a few more pictures and a video. Love you all.

The champion and her prize.

Our new family

In the attempt to take the last picture, the nurse taking the photo didn't  know how to use our camera and ended up taking this picture of us laughing.

We had originaly named Shane "Shane Richins Dean Beck" However we changed it to just Shane Dean beck.

Truly a miracle

So anyone I have talked in the last week, who has given birth, most assuredly knows that I totally didn't think my body know how to labor. Well they were right! It does know how, and oh boy, mine really does know how.
I am only on a tablet from the hospital, so details will follow. But in the meantime, I will give you stats.
9 lbs 7 oz. 21.5 inches long, born 5:50 pm on 6-7-2013, after 12 hours pretty awesome labor and c-section. Mom and baby are great. More details as to how it all happened...coming as soon as I get our laptop.
Love to all.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

I think I have decided that there is purpose to having labor contractions, but no baby come out. As to what purpose that is, I have no idea. I mean, God wouldn't have purposeless things like this, would he?
I certainly hope not.

Shane is kicking me awesome as I write this post. He is trying to get his word in too. He is saying, "I want to come home, just let me out!" Maybe I am just optimistic, maybe he is not going to be such a happy creature when he first comes. Needless to say, he is creating action in my abdomen.

Ron is peacefully sleeping right now. It is 5:39 am and I have been up since 5 am. Yet another thing that is hopefully not purposeless. I tend to think that is nature preparing me for the months of feedings I am about to be committed to. Maybe yes, maybe no. Only the universe knows.

Life is exciting however. I know it is a little frustrating to have to wait, but I think I am going to look back at this time and realize how special it was. Life without children. Being able to snuggle with my husband without wondering about other individuals and their wellbeing. A precious time that I do not wish away. So I guess this waiting is for a purpose: letting me soak up all the time I have left with my incredible and loving companion. Ps. Our 2nd anniversary is in week. Crazy how fast that went, yet how slow it creeped along. Love Ronald Dean Beck, Jr. more than words can say.

Going Natural....Maybe?

So I went to church yesterday and in the middle of the last speaker, I had a really sharp pain in my pelvic area, enough that it made me get up to make sure my water hadn't come splashing out.....That would have been funny to witness.

Anyways, I checked and I was fine. However, I was talking to someone later and she asked how I was doing. I told her how I had progressed and how I was just waiting. And then I said that I just felt tired. She reminded me to take comfort in the Savior and just "hold on". I spoke with my MIL the other day and she mentioned how with her daughters she had all natural births. Ron just so happened to be her emergency c-section. Subsequently, with her daughters giving birth, almost all of them had an epidural. She commented on how they were able to relax during the contractions and because of that, they were able to have faster labor.

So.....I was thinking....maybe I don't want to do this all natural thing. Maybe pain meds. are okay. I like having options for sure, and I have broken two bones and not had pain killers until after the surgery, so I know a little bit of what pain is. But after having some nights where I am for sure feeling back labor, and then I am able to go to sleep, I realize I am tired and if I am already tired going into labor, WHY ON EARTH would I not ask for relief?

Good food for thought.

Is it really all that better to do a completely natural birth? Because as I see it, it is almost a pride issue saying you went all natural and the woman next to you who had an epidural was some how WEAK!

Thoughts?

Where we are all at

I have been blessed ten fold the last couple of days. Ron has been sick with a head cold (super cute I would say, even though he has felt miserable) and I have been playing doctor to get him better. We both don't get sick that often, but when we do, it feels like we get hit hard. That was the side note.

Back to my subject: Where we are all at. My incredible sister-in-law (shout out to my in-laws. I LOVE THEM, and could not be more blessed to know such good people) wrote a post recently describing her thoughts on homosexuality and how it has been hard for her to understand how it works while being Latter-day Saint (she is very happily married and attracted to her husband). In reading her post, I kind of had verbal vomit: the kind of vomit that we all have, but usually don't say because it is neither the time nor place.
So I made the purge, 3 drafts worth. And I still texted her and told her how sorry I was to come off so pious. She laughed and reassured me it wasn't the end of the world.

Having written those thoughts, while along with a GREAT conversation with my Papa, and then yesterday having frozen yogurt with my best friend's mom (who is also an amazing example to me), I have come to a couple of life questions:

First: Who am I?
Second: What am I doing to become who I already am?
Third: What is my real purpose and goal here?

These are questions everyone asks, but on occasion they call for re-evaluation, and I so happen to be in a place to do that.

So, what do you all think about these questions? Who are you all, the people who read this blog? What do you feel like you are doing to achieve who you want to be? And why does it matter?

-Hannah

Being a "one"....

* Disclaimer: No pics today, but there is a link to the hospital that we are delivering at. Go look around.



So today I started the weekly violation appointments that are all to common (actually necessary) for pregnant women. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. And I wanted to report on what has been happening for the last couple of weeks....since I tend to post my thoughts way too often.


I have hung out at my Visiting Teacher's house twice (love seeing how to be a mother to 4 children under the age of 9). I am very impressed with how it works: preparing lunch, getting three of the four in the 'Burban, dropping one off at afternoon kindergarten and then the 3rd youngest off at preschool. Then hanging for a couple of hours, asking my million questions that I tend to ask (warning: one of my good friend's mom said I should go into journalism and become the next Barbara Walters because I was so good at asking such personal questions. I secretly was very insecure about this and almost hated it, but since I have learned tact and privacy, I think I could actually be a decent reporter.... now it's just learning how to write...hahahahah). Next we pick up all three of the kids from their respected schools and come home and have a snack. It is kind of fun actually. I am grateful that I don't have to do this for a while, and that it is something you grow into. Otherwise, I might swear off this motherhood thing.


I had one or two appointments at the midwife's and got to meet one of the other midwifes. She seems really nice like the one I have been seeing my whole pregnancy. Very thorough with my questions and patient in explaining concerns I have. I did spot once in the this time period and called the after hours service because it was very unusual. Luckily, everything is totally normal, just a little surprised. I think it is a tale sign of things to come.


Ron and I took our hospital tour.... Really put into perspective that, yes, even though I have been feeling the alien for the past 4 or so months, WE ARE REALLY HAVING A BABY! Freak me out. That was really fun to visit with Ron. I am so grateful for a husband who is loving and patient with me and who is just as excited to have a child....sometimes even more prepared than I am.

Thinking, thinking.......Oh, it was Mother's Day and that was fun. We had a bbq with the Temperinis and loved it. The Sister missionaries were there also. Fun to talk about the mission. I fear I revealed a little bit more than I should have. Oops. MISS THE MISSION DAYS, especially cool peps like Papa and Mama Johnson, the Kaisers, and the Englands. Good people, good times.


As to the title of this post, Being a "one". Today I measured at a one. Now I know that most women stay at a one or two or even a three for a couple of weeks, but it made me really excited because that means, I am going to get bigger and I am going to have this baby soon. Can you tell I am a little antsy to get this over with? I just want to not be big any more and I want to meet the person who stretches pretty much all the time now.

Highlights coming up: I have a baby shower on Thursday. Hopeful to finish a quilt before this little man comes. Really want to go swimming. Oh, and I am now almost 36 and a half weeks. Just a couple of more weeks and I will have an infant. Crazy.

Loves....Nah